What makes me Indonesian?

Tell me, what makes you Indonesian, Dutch or any other national? Most people look at my face and consider me almost immediately Indonesian. But lately I have been asking myself, why is this? Is it my appearance or the fact that I used to be Indonesian and only for the sake of adoption was stripped of my original nationality?

Most of my Indonesian friends dont have any doubts and consider me their fellow national. So why am I struggling to feel connected? I often please my surroundings by trying to act Indonesian, because thats what everyone is expecting of me (especially the Dutch). But to whom am I lying? Is it to my friends because I dont want to admit that Dutch naturalisation had a bigger impact on my being than I would care to admit. Sometimes I dream to be able to say I am Indonesian, but I am having a hard time when I say these words. I admire all my fellow Indonesian who are proud of their national heritage. For me its been hard that am not able to say I am a proud Indonesian...

Am I lying to myself not willing to admit my childhood traumas of living on the streets, being imprisoned and trafficked? From the outside I want to be Indonesian, but my heart and head have trouble accepting. It pushes back everything related to my country of birth and wants to flee in an oblivious denial that I used to love my heritage. For now the best I can do is to act Indonesian, but when I try to force myself to learn the Indonesian language, my brain blocks. It forget and doesnt want to learn, as if it is connected to my traumas which I would like to forget, though never been able to.

When I am in the Netherlands I feel ashamed not feeling like a Dutchman, but in Indonesia its the other way around. So when one asks for my nationality I usually tell them what they want to hear. Trying to convince myself no one is interested in the confusion going on inside my head. My brain refuses to pick a side and leaves me somewhere in the middle. My wish is to learn more about my heritage and to be able to communicate to the people who were once my fellow nationals. This is why I visit the country once a year, trying to keep in touch, learn and re-connect. This January I booked a trip to Bali to get one-on-one conversation lessons in Bahasa Indonesia and hope to awaken my brain to a language which once sounded familiar....