If you were the trafficker...

Dear Mom,

A few years have passed since my search with BBC Indonesia. For a short while, everyone seemed to know our story. However, I am sad to say, it did not bring me what I was searching for: you. No eligible clues from your existence came forward. The circumstances of my adoption and the disappearance of you even became more mysterious and complicated. After my trip to Indonesia, I started to doubt. Doubt that the person who haunts my memories is you, my biological mother. Perhaps you might be the trafficker instead? The word makes me nauseous, my head spins and I immediately want to deny it. It can't be that the person whom I have loving memories of is a child trafficker.

But, let's be real for a moment: how do I know? How? I was but a child in need of someone who cared for me. What if I was kidnapped at an early stage in Jogjakarta, which I always have known as my city of birth? What if, right after, you've taken me to the orphanage Pancha Dharma, Pasuruan to sell, but no one wanted me? It's in Pancha Dharma where I accidentally got recognized by sister Narzia and a fellow adoptee says he remembers me from the same location with another child named Nini, whom Iam able to remember but not the location. Why do I have memories of Jogjakarta and none of Pancha Dharma? Was I traumatized? Sister Narzia remembered I was one of the favourites of the director Koh Bing, why am I not able to remember him? If Pasuruan happened how did the person concerned, who kidnapped me, create a close bond? Was I under-influenced with Stockholm Syndrome? After all, you might be the only person who took care of me. Did I have no choice but to trust you and did this turn into love and me thinking you were my mother later?

I can only imagine back then, adopting an older child was not popular. Most adoptive parents wanted a baby. Is this the reason why we travelled to the Lampung, Sumatra, with you, the person whom I got to love and thought was my mother? Is the reason that you were not able to sell me in Pasuruan that we travelled more than 1100km to the Lampung? What was the purpose? I remembered to be happy there, we had a house. I have fond memories of playing in the pineapple fields. During this time of happiness, did you put your intention to sell me on hold? Were you method-acting and pretending to be a caring mother? You took me to Jakarta only after our house burned down, where we ended up on the streets. But even on the streets you were very kind and loving towards me and always took care I was nourished. Or did you only do this because you did not want me to go down in value? Did you find a buyer in Kasih Bunda in the end, who called you 'a childbroker'? Why did you travel such huge distances with me and what happened to Nini, whom I considered my sister? Did you get your money and was it worth it?

Although it sounds absurd this would be one of the crazy scenarios that I am able to think of, but I have often thought my story to be a soap opera anyway. The thing is: I still believe the person whom I remember in my memories is my biological mother and not my trafficker who sold me to strangers. I think she is my mother because I remember the 'loving' part all too well and can't imagine you being able to fake this and drag me all over Java and the Lampung just for the purpose of selling. Even then travelling was expensive and you would probably only travel with a child if it is absolutely necessary. But in the case I ever discover you were indeed my trafficker and it turns out you did sell me to strangers: I would still want to know your story....